dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
