Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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