The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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