I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
