i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
