fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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