Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
