You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
