My nipple is on Facebook.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
