an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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