Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
