so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
