Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
