I think my fart just growled at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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