I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
