I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
