hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
