He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
