"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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