Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
