Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
