I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize