Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
