I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
where are my eyebrows?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
