hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
