apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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