Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
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i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza