This is not my ceiling
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i out mim tonsoeep
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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