He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
