I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
