I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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