Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
