I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
