i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
