If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
