someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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