I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
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Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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