bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
