He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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