best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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