i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
