Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
