Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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