scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
