dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
