umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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