if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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