Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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