I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
