After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
