I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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