I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
