i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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