my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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