I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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