I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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