guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You are a booty call, not a friend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
