I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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